You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
