it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
