I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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