i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Farmville is her only friend.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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