I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
