I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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