she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
