well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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