If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
