I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
