Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
