Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were destined to go to rehab together
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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