'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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