I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize