On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
