Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
