It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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