I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My hand turned me down
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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