Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
