So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
