R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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