I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
