Dual....:-)
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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