highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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