i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize