Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
