Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
