I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
