Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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