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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
