I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
