Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
