i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The air taste purple.
Randomize
