1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
