bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
