I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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