If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
