Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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