I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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