why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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