dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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