Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
