**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
