Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
