Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
