OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
