I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
