Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
