You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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