Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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