it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
