I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
