I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
