just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
