I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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