all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
