When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
